A poem about pregnancy after loss

By Amanda Anderson-Beanland

You’ve gone through all the emotions you never thought you had
You’ve lost your child, you’re grieving you can’t stop feeling sad
You never want to replace your child who has gone
But these arms are still empty and the longing lingers on

So you try and try and try, every month another shot
You lose the will but carry on, you want to fill that cot
You want to have a baby, to fill those empty arms
To bring a milling kicking child into these earthly charms

Then it happens, you’re sat there, 2 blue lines appear
Oh my god here it comes, not excitement just fear
What do I do, what if it happens again?
What if this baby doesn’t cry, I can’t go through the pain.

So then the days go by so long, not telling a single soul
Another day, no bleeds that’s good, another step to the goal
Then maybe just maybe, this one will be “The One”…

A scan arrives, and then you see a flicker on the screen
A tiddler, so small, that tiny little bean
Could this one be healthy, could it work out right?
Will I get to keep this tiny little mite?

A few more weeks, the bump arises softly on you’re tum
You look and wonder if this one will leave its marks and run
You haven’t told many people you’re too scare to say
You know the work’s “I’m Pregnant” doesn’t always end happy

Eventually the scan arrives, 20 long weeks have gone
You’re halfway through, is it pink or blue, and has anything gone wrong
You lay there while they show you, detailing all is fine
The sex is told, you’re breath you hold to hear that line

So now you go and you’re positive, for a little while
But then the negativity hits, after all that’s this pregnancies style!
Another appointment comes and goes, everything is good
You got to hear the heartbeat, like someone knocking on wood.

The weeks progress and little things happen to make your wonder more
Will I get to leave the hospital, with the baby, through my door?
You are anxious at every turn as the weeks come ever near
To that event, the one you want, but it brings you so much fear

And then one day you wake to find this little one wants out
You huff you pant, you get to the hospital, you scream and shout
The hours go by eternity it feels until you meet this one
Please my child my little mite, scream for your mum!

That one last push starts to arrive, and then you feel release
You look, you see them breathing, you’re angel gives you peace
Then the sound you’ve longed to hear forever and a day
The scream of your precious child, this one is here to stay

You look into that baby’s eyes and see their sibling there
As if to say “see mommy, I told you I’d get them here”
You thank you angel knowing that things will be emotional
But grateful that his little one wasn’t born still…