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Aria & Paul’s Story
In the photo, the little girl with the halo of curly hair looks intently at the orange butterfly perched on her hand.
The photo was taken during Bereaved Families of Ontario – Midwestern Region’s (BFO-MR) annual butterfly release, where participants let newly-hatched Monarchs fly free in remembrance and celebration of lost loved ones.
The little girl’s name is Aria and she’s releasing her butterfly in memory of her mother, who died unexpectedly in 2016 of a brain aneurysm.
“Twila went to bed one night, and the next day she was gone,” says Aria’s dad, Paul Tonelli.
Paul was left to raise his four children, ranging in ages from one to 11. And although Twila’s death was devastating for the entire family, he was particularly concerned for three-year-old Aria. She was just old enough to miss her mother, but not old enough to understand what had happened.
To find ways to help Aria process her mother’s death, Paul turned to BFO-MR’s Healing Little Hearts program.
“I brought her to that program specifically because it was geared to children who had lost a loved one,” he says. “And the fact that the program is led by a child psychologist was important to me.”
“She’s not alone”
But perhaps the biggest benefit was the chance for Aria to interact with other children who were also grieving.
“It helped her to feel a little more normal. It helped her to understand that it’s okay to talk about death, it’s okay to show that we miss mommy. And it showed her that she’s not alone in this world.”
For Paul, the Healing Little Hearts program guided him in talking about Twila with Aria and the other children. ‘I’ve always been very open with my kids, but I think the program opened avenues for us to have better discussions.”
It also taught him to deal with unanticipated reactions.
“Aria only had a few years with her mother and my youngest child was too young to know her. Through the BFO-MR program, I learned to watch for jealousy issues with Aria and her youngest sister because the older children got to know Twila and the younger ones didn’t. That was something I hadn’t considered.”
A sense of comfort
At the time of Twila’s death, the family had just moved into a new home and she had still been breast-feeding their youngest child. So, Paul joined the Living with Loss program, BFO-MR’s drop-in program for adults, to help him cope with his own feelings of pain and overload.
“When I lost Twila, I felt isolated,” he says. “And there are times when, as a single father, I still feel isolated. There seems to be a lot more resources out there for moms.”
“But when I came to BFO-MR, there was a sense of comfort in knowing that other people had experienced what I was going through and that I wasn’t grieving by myself.”
“Just like with Aria, Living with Loss did wonders for me by giving me opportunities to talk and meet with other people who are going through the same things. I realized that everyone grieves differently. It’s a very individual journey. And that’s really opened my eyes to being understanding of anyone else who’s grieving.”
What would Paul tell other people who may not yet have experienced loss?
“Remember that each and every day you live could be your last,” he says. “You need to value the important people in your life.”
People like that little girl, holding a butterfly up to the sun.
When you participate in Loved Ones Remembered, you are supporting children in our community, just like Aria.
Support the LOVED ONES REMEMBERED campaign today