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Best friends forever

The following story was shared by Christine Fraser at the Tree of Bright Stars ceremony on Friday November 20, 2015.

Thank you so much Bereaved Families and Friends for giving me the opportunity to be your speaker this evening. Hello my Name is Christine Fraser and I cannot tell you what an honour it is to be standing here sharing my story at the Tree of Bright Stars ceremony.

Kelly was funny- she loved to say silly stuff to make others laugh. Her smile was contagious. You couldn’t help but to always smile in her presence. She was witty and sarcastic – she just called things out as she saw them and never seemed to hold an ounce of anger. Kelly was supportive and kind – she was always doing something for someone. Kelly loved her family more than anything. She kept everyone in her huge family tucked right in her heart always, and the sky was the limit when it came to helping the people she loved.

Kelly was my best friend. We met in grade 10 and from the moment I met her I knew she was going to be my person- my best friend. We talked every day at least once a day whether we wanted to or not. Her mom Brenda always shares stories about walking in a room and Kelly would have the phone to her ear but she wasn’t actually speaking. Those were the days we were mad at each other but had to talk anyway.

She was there for everything. She hugged me through my breakups and was the first person to run over the moment I had the next boyfriend lined up to hear all about him.  We loved shopping for each other- Christmas was insane! Kelly ALWAYS pulled off something super sentimental and would manage to make me cry just because she always wanted me to know how important our friendship was. I always think about her spending one of her last birthdays at my side while I said good-bye to my grandmother and refusing to leave me on her day of celebration. She truly was my other half, my identity, my soul sister, and a part of my family. You would never find one of us without the other.

Kelly had Auto Immune hepatitis and lived more than half her life with this rare illness. For the most part you would never know Kelly was sick and that’s just how she liked it. She said she never wanted her illness to define who she was, or how she lived her life. She hid her pain from the world, but in the last four years with us things got tough, and her illness became a lot more apparent for others to see. Kelly ended up on a transplant list needing a liver transplant. The days Kelly would let her illness get the best of her I would say “Kelly you will get a liver and you will be fine… you are NOT going to die.” I was riddled with guilt for saying this for a long time.

The May long weekend was our favourite weekend- it was our kick off to summer! Every year we would gather as many friends as possible and would head out on a weekend adventure. The May 2005 long weekend was nothing like before…

On Wednesday afternoon Kelly called me at work to share her wonderful news that a donor was found for her long-awaited liver that was greatly diminishing by the day. We were laughing and crying hysterically, not really knowing how to feel. I was so excited for her, but so scared at the same time. Kelly, her mom and I all sat and had silly conversations at the hospital that night. I refused to cry in front of her and I remember I didn’t want to say goodbye. As I left we hugged for a long time but the words we said are still something I’m not able to remember to this day.

Thursday morning Kelly was taken for surgery earlier than scheduled, and I didn’t get the chance to see her alive again. Kelly died due to complications during the surgery and the part of me died with her.

One very important part Kelly would want me to share about that day was that although things didn’t go according to our plan, she did receive an organ and it was fully functioning before she left us. She would be very thankful to the donors family for giving her the most precious and unselfish gift any person could ever give another person

I was devastated and couldn’t manage to catch my breath. How do I do this without my best friend? How do I begin to digest unbearable pain I have never experienced before? Did this really happen? How do we walk out of this hospital without her? How do I look at her mom and see the unimaginable pain NO mother should ever have to endure?

Kelly’s whole family was so supportive of me and respectful of our friendship during the funeral preparations. They included me in all aspects of the funeral service and held me tight as I cried along with them in the private family room. There was no way I could have said anything at the service so the minister included some of my words, a song, and talked lots about our friendship. It was the biggest honour and sign of respect for our friendship I have ever felt.

Only a few short weeks after her death, a coworker asked me why I was still so sad? She told me I needed to get over it- she was “just” a friend. She had NO idea how much pain her one comment caused me. She completely minimized my relationship when I was feeling my lowest.

That one comment was also the driving force that brought me to Bereaved Families. After much discussion, endless hugs, and tears with Kelly’s mom Brenda, she encouraged me to attend one of the programs offered at Bereaved Families and even offered to come along with me. We spent 12 weeks in the growing thru grief program and I did NOT say one word.

I felt like I shouldn’t be there, that I was taking the spot of a family member that needed that space. It took me a long time to realize that everything that was happening in my life both emotionally and physically was all clear indications of grief. I pushed away almost all of my other friends. It was hard feeling like they were moving on and enjoying life again and yet my life seem to be standing completely still.

My first Christmas was awful… I woke up and was completely ALONE. The pain was so unbearable I had NO idea what to do. I got in my car and started to drive and I just wanted to keep driving and not look back. I pulled over to get a new bundle of Kleenex and noticed I had a text message.

It was Kelly’s mom saying, “I love you don’t be alone, please come have Christmas morning with us”. And so I did… and I go back every year now except things are a little different. Now my husband, two kids and two dogs join in our Christmas morning tradition with Kelly’s family. What was once the most unbearable morning is now one of my favorite days of the year! I take that morning now and count each one of my blessings that surround me. There’s not a moment that goes by that I don’t wish Kelly could be here enjoying every celebration with me- but I’ve come to a place where I’m at peace knowing she’s just there.

On my wedding day I had the honor of getting married at Kelly’s house. I can’t tell you how much I felt her with me that day. I was able to get dressed in her room and walk out to meet my husband under the gazebo at the front of her house. Inside the gazebo was a beautiful plaque with Kelly’s name specially placed inside so if I needed her, she was there with me. We gave out gerbera daisies, Kelly’s favourite, as my way of seeing sparkles of her shine through my special day and evening.

When I had my first child I remember my most treasured present was a quilt made by Kelly’s aunt. It was made from fabric Kelly bought to make a quilt for me someday when I had kids (it was Elmo fabric). The tag sewn into the baby quilt was inscribed with stitching “Made with love for an angel from an angel”. A gift I will treasure forever.

Kelly is part of everyday life in our family and talk about her so frequently that my six-year-old has asked more once if she knew her Auntie Kelly. She is never considered an elephant in our room and we take every opportunity to celebrate the time she was able to spend here on this earth with us. Her death made me realize that I should never take anything in my life for granted. I tell my kid’s everyday how happy they make my heart and how grateful I am to have them in my life. I also learned that you don’t need to be blood related to be family. Kelly’s entire family has taken my family into their hearts and homes and I am forever grateful.

My husband is so sweet. He always says just the right thing at these times. Although he didn’t know Kelly all that well, he now has his own love for her. He sends Brenda and myself a beautiful message every birthday and angel day, and is so understanding and respectful of my journey.

Birthdays contain a toast, her favourite foods and cheesecake. Angel anniversaries we always gather together and send balloons with special messages to heaven and sometimes we set off fireworks. Even though my kids never got to meet her, they get so excited they can send Auntie Kelly a message just from them. I wear Kelly’s strength necklace which gives me so much strength when I need it. My son believes that Auntie Kelly’s necklace contains special powers and I’m good with that. The strength symbol has become our signature of Kelly. The Chinese strength symbol was so important to her and now it’s equally important to us. Many of us have our own versions of tattoos that are unique design, just like each of our relationships was with Kelly.

Each year I come to the Tree of Bright Stars Ceremony as my very own “pre-Christmas” tradition. I use this service as my outlet to openly feel my tremendous wave of emotions that start building up before the holiday season. I usually cry from the time I get here until the time I leave, but all the beautiful selection of songs and comforting words leave me with a little peace in my heart. Once the tree service is over and I’m all cried out, I truly give myself permission to smile and enjoy Christmas with my family. After the Tree of Bright Stars ceremony we go out for a nice meal, have a wonderful toast for Kelly and share great stories. Oh, and of course we have cheesecake! There are still those waves of tears that break through during the holidays but that heavy, can’t-breathe feeling I leave here each year when I walk out the door.

I think what I would want each of you to take from my story is that grief is not designated to blood relatives. It hurts many people, some people you may not even realize. The pain endured by a friend doesn’t hurt any less, it’s just different. Everyone’s grief is unique. Through my journey I have found peace and true happiness in my heart. It doesn’t mean it sucks any less not having Kelly with me, or that every big event in my life isn’t followed by those bitter sweet tears. But I just know in my heart she’s with me.

My Best friend Kelly wrote this poem I would like to share with all of you:

Friends Forever
For all the change I gave you, you never wanted back.
For the confidence you gave me, when I began to lack.
For all the times we spent together and the feeling we had
Shared,
In times of love and caring, for hardships we have spared.
Though times may go by quick and things may
Rearrange,
You are my friend forever and that will never change!

Written by: Kelly Kathleen Weatherall  

Merry Christmas to all of you and wishing you all Peaceful blessings in 2016