Newsroom
Tree of Bright Stars: Sandy’s Story
The following story was shared by Sandy Brought at the Tree of Bright Stars ceremony on Friday November 18, 2016.
My name is Sandy and I just want to thank BFO for inviting me to be the speaker at this year’s event.
I am here tonight to talk to you about my grief journey, my struggle and trying to find my way.
On Nov 7 2013, 2 police officers came to my door at approximately 12:40 am and told me my son had passed away. I was so upset, I was alone and confused. They offered me their condolences and asked if there was someone they could call for me. I called my daughter and begged her to come over. I didn’t want to tell her over the phone but she kept insisting I tell her what’s wrong. Eventually those words rolled off my tongue and I immediately felt sick. Once she arrived, the police told her everything they had just told me.
We cried and cried until there was nothing left. I was exhausted. My brother was coming from London to take me to Windsor and in those wee hours of the morning, I decided to have a shower. I banged and banged on the shower walls and kept screaming the word NO over and over. I thought this can’t be real. I couldn’t make a decision as to what to wear. Do I get back in my pajama’s or do I get dressed? I couldn’t pack a bag, I had no idea what to do. I was, for the first time I think, HELPLESS. My mind just kept going over and over what had just happened, it wouldn’t stop. The thought of packing a black dress was NOT going to happen because I believed the police lied or had MY SON mixed up with someone else.
We finally arrived in Windsor and was told that my Joey had already been identified. People were using a language and words that I was not used to. Words like coroner, funeral, arrangements, condolences and I was starting to get angry. I wanted, and more than that, I needed to see my son. I needed proof.
The proof I needed was now in front of me and it was my beloved Joey. I cried over him and told him how sorry I was. I told him how much I loved him and told him how much I was going to miss him.
Joey had a beautiful service, it was standing room only. People eventually started to leave and all of a sudden I felt completely alone. People went on with their lives while mine stood still. I was frozen in time. The hurt in my heart was so painful that I physically hurt. I was short-fused with those who loved and supported me. I stopped being a mother to my daughter. I couldn’t see anything or feel anything other than pain and sorrow.
In the first few weeks I did nothing to help myself but in the months that followed I knew I need help. I was desperate to know someone like me. It was important to me because I couldn’t handle this alone. I couldn’t bear the pain, I couldn’t handle the emotions and most of all, I couldn’t handle the desperation. There was no one I knew that had lost a child and I was tired of hearing the same clichés. I was becoming so angry. I didn’t know who I was anymore and I was scared.
Losing a child is lonely – people avoid you like you have the plague just because they don’t know what to say. Friends disappeared, family went on with their lives. I felt invisible. I was in so much pain, my heart hurt so bad and it seemed nobody remembered.
I had tried counselling but it was so textbook, there was no compassion or empathy. For the most part it was only a band aid that ripped off when I left. I didn’t feel any better, I needed something more but felt like I was running out of resources.
Eventually I was put in touch with BFO and it was here that I found my saving grace.
My first night, I went back in forth in my head. I was terrified I was walking into a room where again I would find myself alone and have to share a story that is so private and so close to my heart. I nearly drove away.
I walked in and to my surprise there were other people, thoughts raced through my head: are they like me? or I wondered do they work here? We put our name tags on and as I looked around the room, I thought, these people too had lost a child. Walking in that night, we were all nervous, had no idea what to expect but it was so welcoming and comforting. We each embraced each others loss. We got to know each of our children by sharing their stories, bringing pictures and keepsakes.
My grief in the early stages was so dark and hopeless. I was so depressed and so sad. Nothing I tried made me feel better. I wanted family around but when they came around, I wanted them gone. I couldn’t care less how their family was doing. Theirs was still intact. I resented them for that, not just family, anyone.
BFO brought me out from the dark and made me see that there is still so much more to do. It took months afterwards but eventually I felt like I was going to be OK. The thought of being OK was scary, I wasn’t sure if that was allowed. Would I be crazy if I told people I was OK or do I break down every time Joey’s name is mentioned? Would Joey be mad at me if I was OK, after all I am his mother who loved and adored him? Question after question filled my days and finally realized that there is no right or wrong way to do this. I had to go with how I felt each day.
As time has passed, the anger went with it, I am thankful for those who stood by me and who understood that my words were not meant to be hurtful but just came from a hurt place inside of me. The darkness has lifted and the world that I was so desperate to leave is the world I look at in a whole new light.
I was able to give myself permission to grieve as I needed but I was brought back to the light to still see the many wonders of the world. I was able to see my beautiful daughter again in all her glory and I actually took the time to stop and smell the roses. I have a new respect for nature. I have grown a little more patient and see myself evolving into someone new.
I stand before you all tonight, a changed woman, I am strong and still standing. I still see darkness once in a while but I have to believe that Joey wouldn’t want that for me. He loved laughter so I give him laughter, he loved love and I give him love. He loved conversations about nothing and I talk to him daily sometimes about exactly that. I cry with him and I know my tears are because I loved him so deeply.
As Joey’s Mom, I will miss out on the 40 plus years he could have had, I will miss his wife and I will miss his children. I will never be a grandmother to them but in my heart, I take comfort in knowing that he would have been amazing. He loved children and would have loved his wife
My son was so special, he was loved by so many and he is missed more than anyone could possibly know. He was beautiful and smart, funny and handsome. He was an absolute joy to be around and I am so thankful that I got to be his Mom for 30 years.
Today, we visit him, make him gardens and bring beautiful arrangements of flowers to fit the season. Every year we take and decorate a Christmas tree in all his favourite colours.
We celebrate his birthday by having his favourite meal and lighting candles, we visit and let balloons go.
His anniversary is spent by remembering and honouring his life and being thankful that he was ours.
This event – the Tree of Bright Stars is now so important. It’s a way to reconnect with those we had in group or the new friends we met while they are just starting out. I look forward to seeing my date I have had the last 2 years, the one who holds my hand while I lose control or while I hold her hand when she loses control.
I thought this life would a façade forever, that we would all have to walk around with fake smiles and have stupid little answers to “how are you doing” but it’s not and it doesn’t have to be. Just be patient with yourself and one day your darkness too will lift. It’s not something you can rush, only time will do this for you. You have to love the version of yourself and for me the new is better than the old.
I think Joey would be proud of Megan and I today. He has to know that we speak his name daily and most of all, we love him.
I want to thank everyone for letting me share with you a piece of my heart.
To my son, I love you Joey, keep smiling!!!!